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| Anything but him.
I'm partially repulsed by him right now. He needs to back the fuck off.
I'd rather be with anyone else- like one of his friends.
We chilled last night. His friends are amazing- him, not so much. He's always out of it. And says the lamest things.
So over it.
I just don't have the heart to break his heart =/
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I think I am in love with my best friend.
And I am scared about it.
He's been there for me.
Have you ever had a guy stay up with you all night, just so you can cry on his shoulder? Better yet, has it ever been a guy you have been close with for two years now; who knows you inside and out; who tells you he loves you and that you are one of the most amazing girls he has ever met?
He only loves me as a friend though. I know it.
My feelings have gone from friend to more than that.
I really wish I could tell him.
But it will ruin everything.
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| I really don't know how I feel.
The more I tell myself I am over him, I more I want to be with him.
It even haunts my dreams. All my dreams consist of are him. Him and her breaking up, and him telling me he made a mistake. In these dreams I am happy.
Maybe it is because of what happened between us, but I love him too much to give up on him. Just play it cool for now- but when the moment hits, I will tell him how I feel and hopefully he will feel the same.
I don't think I have ever been this confused.
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I guess I have been avoiding writing on here out of fear of what to say. A lot has changed, and at the same time so much as stayed the same.
Therefore, I have decided to be straight up about this. I really have no idea why, but I guess it's for me. Just to let this out, and off of my chest. There is some stuff I just can't tell anyone. But I have to let this out before it drives me insane.
Two weeks ago, me and Ian got together to talk. And when I say talk- I do not mean small talk. I mean laying all of our cards on the table- face up. No more games, no more lies.
We both admitted to only using eachother for sex in the first few months. We were okay with that. I asked him if he realized when I felt it was more than just sex. He knew. He knew everything. He knew me. That was when it freaked him out. He knew I loved him. He saw it in my eyes and that is why he 'needed' out. He cheated on me with three different girls in hopes I would find out about them. He was purposely trying to drive me away. That hurt me deep. How could someone I love try to hurt me? How stupid could I be to fall for such a jerk? He continued to explain it to me: he was scared of falling back; he fears relationships being more than sex. It all made sense. It hit me. He lacks the capacity to love anyone other than himself. Why couldn't I see this before? He doesn't even love his family! I knew he had issues. I knew he was a bit different than other guys I had come across. Don't get me wrong- I am not giving him sympathy- he doesn't deserve that!!
We then went on to talk about some other things. About the future, about us, about life. I yelled at him for some time; I cried with him following the yelling.
He now knows the emotional and physical damage he has done to me. And I know he feels guilty. He finally makes an effort to see how I am doing. Oddly, I no longer want any of that. I used to pray and wish and hope that every day to pass that he would call me, or message me- but that never happened. I wanted him, and thought I needed him up until that night we let it all out. He never planned to be there for me. He doesn't want the same things I do. When I found out he was cheating on me- he was relieved. He thought I would bugger off and be out of his life. Clearly, I could not do so.
I really don't know what point I am trying to get across here. Maybe I am saying that I am finally moving on. Or maybe I just needed to unload this weight somewhere. Or maybe I am saying is not what I want. I wanted a future with him, but I won't get that. If he tells me he is ready- I will drop everything to go back to him.
So I guess I just did a huge turn-around. I began writing this feeling ready to move on- to forget about him. Ten minutes later, I just want to be in his arms.
You know that quote: "I would rather be fighting you, than kissing him"?
That speaks wonders in my life.
What to do about Dylan? I want to give him the chance, but how can I in this state? He's an amazing guy and has everything I am looking for. He has been there since day one. He thinks Ian is an ass, and wants to show me not all men are jerks.
My head is spinning.
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Don't worry about it.
Break her heart.
Tell her it's because you care.
Whatever.
Just stop leading her on!
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I am starting to think, maybe I like being this depressed and that is why I can't let it go.
Then I remember everything he did to me, and didn't do.
I wish my head would just stop thinking all about it.
I really do wish I could let go.
But where is my closure.
It just won't go away.
I am too afraid to discuss it with my friends.
He is the only one I can be open about it- because it took both of us.
But where was he?
He was with her. And I just can't get myself through this, but I just have to keep going no matter what. Not much I can do if he wants to choose I no longer exists.
---Revenge is sweeter than you ever were
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